SPOtastic

Do you watch Six Feet Under?
You should.
Times running out.
If tonights episode asked me out on a date - this is how the date would have gone:

Picked up in an freshly wrecked Audi TT, fucked in the ass, handed a bowl of ice-cream with a light soft punch to the teeth. (read - amazing)

3 episodes left.
Another wonderful chapter of HBO Original Programming saying bye bye.


Side Note: Anyone else think Claire is slowly turning into an Albino?

I’ve been through shit the past few weeks with the apartment and transitioning out of a much loved job. Tomorrow the apartment could explode and the NY state labor dept could revoke my unemployment and I would not care. Why? The Del Close Marathon - my favorite part of the year. 52 Hours of Improv and Partying. This is what I will do.

Laugh
Drink
Laugh
Drink
Laugh
Drink
Stare
Perform
Laugh
Perform
Sleep
Laugh
Perform
Drink
Drink
Drink
Undetermined Verb
Drink
Disturb unsuspecting Audience Members*
Chant
Laugh
Laugh
Laugh
Pass Out
Wake up laughing
Drink
Party

Recover


If you can, check it out – www.ucbtheatre.com for more information. But if you are reading this, you probably already now about it and what the * is referring to.

*you know what this means

The new apartment came with an air-conditioner. Co-op board rules state that you have to have a professional install them, so it is bolted to the window and with money running extremely low, we aborted our plans of purchasing a new one and decided to keep it. It was pretty gross till I cleaned every nook and cranny of it. I feared turning it on, imagining a plague of locusts to come swarming out of it. It actually kicks ass though. It cools the entire apartment on its lowest setting. The new set of illegal aliens working on my kitchen did not break a sweat all day yesterday.

So I was pretty comfortable yesterday, not knowing exactly how hot and nasty it was outside until I left to go teach my class. (My class kicks ass FYI). I really don't complain about hot weather. I complain when its cold. I hate being cold, my spine starts to hurt and it takes forever to warm up. It is much easier for my body to cool off. But that is just me. I know everyone is different. And by everyone I mean GOLDEN RETRIEVERS. Those bitches apparently hate the heat!

I was walking in Chelsea around 6pm when I saw a Goldy post shaving. It was the weirdest thing. I had a golden growing up, and we would take him to get groomed, but never shaved. The wierdest was that the head, legs and tail were just trimmed, but not shaved. This is a photo I took of the dog.





So fucked up right?

Our Kitchen was completely gutted yesterday. When they were about 3/4 through AVM made me look at the newly exposed walls.
"What do you see?" he asked.
"Holes?" I replied.
"No, keep looking."
"The rotting wood?"
"No"
"Our Savings account depleting before our very eyes?"
"See that?" AVM points to the wall above the sink. I see what look like dead fire ants, but its hard to tell, as I do not want to get too close.
"Dead bugs, that’s gross, but obviously so was Mozart." Mozart was the name of the previous owner.
"That wall is what it was like growing up in the projects."

When AVM said this, I got a little sad, because I do not want our new home to remind him of anything but how much I love him and how lucky we are to have what we have. I want the new place to always be safe, clean and fun. And I know he feels the same way back. That’s why we are both exhausted right now. AVM is using all of his vacation time to get the apartment ready for our arrival, and I am using my first weeks of unemployment getting up no later than 7am every day, and going to bed no earlier than 1 am, with the in-between filled with cleaning, packing, purchasing, and building. No time for rest.
Last night I had an opportunity to perform and socialize a bit. Unfortunately my performance was sub-par on stage and off. If the show involved a box full of Ikea furniture that wanted to be put together, I would have had my own highlights thread on a message board about furniture buildings. Unfortunately it didn't. All I could think about while trying to enjoy myself was how much work we still have left to get things settled. In fact there is a TV stand right now screaming to get out of a box.

Luckily working at the new apt today will be easier because we now have a brand new working toilet. I peed in it last night. My own piss, in my own toilet. I hope the thought of our pee and only our pee being in the toilet helps AVM feel as far away from the projects as possible.

We hired a man named DOUCHE JUICE to paint our apartment and do some other things like install a new sink and toilet. Today after over a week of DJ and crews* ‘prep’ work they started the painting. I was very nervous how my paint choices would come out. I must say I did a splendid job; Nate from Oprah would smile upon it. Unfortunately I also must say the paint job itself looks like their tool of choice was a flabby vag on a stick. AVM and I are fuming. We are going to the apt early before the workers arrive so we can discuss and possibly even terminate them.

I think we have enough evidence to warrant such an action.

Painted over cable and telephone wires when instructed not to.

Painted around old wall sconces when for 3 days straight we pointed to the new sconces we purchased in the hall closet telling them to switch them out.

They have destroyed the kitchen by washing their tools in the sink and not cleaning up after themselves.

Re-grouting the bathroom to them means putting purple colored grout over existing white grout.

They have been pissing in a toilet that is not connected to plumbing.



*Illegal aliens

I am moving out of my very first NY apartment and into a co-op purchased by my husband, myself and a bank. People keep saying, you must feel so grown up! I did, until I started sorting, packing and throwing stuff out.

Tonight I started going through 6 years worth of notebooks, scrap paper, napkins and postcards with sketch/joke ideas written on them. If I don’t have a notebook on me when a genius thought comes to my mind, I’ll grab whatever I can, write the idea down then make a promise to flush it out that evening. But what actually happens is they are placed on the bottom shelf of a bookcase. Please enjoy the following list of ideas/dialogue I found.


*Suck my dick, my tiny clit, stick it up your funny clit.

*“Dear Rosie, Why did the tee shirt eat a pig? Hell if I know.”

*Really tiny puppy.

*Parody of a Van Halen Video

*Gov’t Issued Tampons

*A family that ACTUALLY goes over the river and through the woods.

*A boy brings his quadriplegic dad to Show & Tell.

*Little kid – “I’m eating shit and I’m naked”

*Big Brother Cast member – 80 year old retard

*Your kids got 6 dicks. ( I wrote that one last week).

*Patty cake, Patty cake – Mommy’s a man

*Lyrics to a parody of Tom Petty’s Free Falling – called Free Ballin

*Things that should NOT be cloned – Todd Bridges

*Ready. Set. Puke.

*“And your refusal to get rid of your Vagina Face”

*Commercial Parody “Freakin Large Pad” (sanitary napkins)


As you can tell I am a very successful writer. My phone won’t stop ringing with offers. People want my ideas published in their magazines and produced for their TV shows.

Most of this stuff will be shredded. I wouldn’t want the paper that reads ‘Really Tiny Puppy’ to fall in the wrong hands (or the sewer).

As an added bonus to my faithful readers, I share with you my ego, which has severely deflated after tonight’s sorting. Below is something I scribbled in a notebook and shared with my friend CPG, we must have been at a meeting or something, I wrote it shortly after being placed on my first improv team at UCBT.

“I bet Tina Fey looked at our JRT picture and said, CPG & SPO look hilarious! And then Katan did a line of coke off it with his cock.”

It has been confirmed. My middle name is CLASS.


-SCO