SPOtastic

I found this kitten


Video of Kitten
Satch wants to eat he/she for breakfast.

needs home!

2 months ago we pulled the old medicine cabinet out of the bathroom wall, and we still have not replaced it. Our neighbor does not have a medicine cabinet in either, there is just a thin piece of corkboard on her side of the wall. Us? A trashbag taped to cover the hole, and prevent her chainsmoking exhale from entering our apt. Needless to say we can hear her in her bathroom when she is hacking up a lung - which is constant - or one time - explosive diarhea.

We haven't really thought about putting a new cabinet in, it's not at the top of our list. (At the top of our list - is Make a List).

Well Friday Morning I got a wake up call of sorts that has put 'replace medicine cabinet' on the list.

It's 5 am. I went to bed 2 hours prior after a doggy poopy pee pee walk. Suddenly I am stirred awake.
What the fuck is that? It sounds like someone is in my apartment.
My heart starts to beat. I hear it again.
Oh my god. My neighbor is having sex in her bathroom, and I can hear it as if she is doing it in my very own bathroom.

Yeah SPO, we ALL have those stories. So what?

Did I mention my neighbor is a Mentally Retarded Woman?

Stakes have been raised!

Also the gentlemen caller has a very distinct way of expressing his 'good time'.

Imagine Kermit the frog's voice in your head. Now pretend its a 40ish year old man doing his voice. Now say 'OH' loud and slow, and repeat it, with about 2 seconds between each 'Oh.' Do this for 10 minutes. Then randomly during this insert these phrases, in the same voice.
"Don't Move. Stop Moving."
"Put the cigarette Down."
"Yeah like that."

Oh and about 5 minutes into this, a Helicopter starts flying low near your apartment building. So you start freaking out that your mentally retarded neighber brought an escaped convict home - because when he said
"I want to fuck you in the mouth" - she heard "I'm gonna love you, and buy you towels"

I was freaked the F- out. My husband slept through the entire thing. At one point, as I clutched the sheets tight to my chin, I whispered a pretty inaudible "are you awake?." Satch (dog) wasn't even stirring. I was the single sufferer of this.

Finally it stopped. But I feared the next morning. Would she and her new friend repeat the noise at 5am Saturday?

I go to bed Friday night around 2.
4:40ish I hear a noise.
Please no. God please no.
"I don't want to do it in the shower" a voice says
"I don't want to do it in the shower" the voice repeats.
Sweet Jesus you pervert why?
My husband is not in bed, I run to the living room to tell him its happening again. I wanted a witness to this insanity, its easier to suffer in twos than alone.

I reach the living room, I hear the voice again - but its actually coming from the TV.
My husband is watching The Andy Milinokis Show.
I confused Andy with that of my mentally retarded neighbor having sex.

I think I just gave Andy his best review yet!

No repeat episodes yet - but if she does get her hole filled, before we fill our hole, I have the camera ready to record sound bites - I will make you all suffer if I can.

The Colbert Report

I heart this show.

So smart with a touch of Goofy (Lisa Loeb!!!!)

Watch it!!!

When Interview Magazine asked me to meet up with Saddam Hussein and ask him a few questions, I was totally psyched. I couldn’t wait to get in my Titanium Jet and fly to the most beautiful place on earth.

Paris: You look a little different in person.

Saddam: I’ve been trapped, away from home, these things happened.

Paris: Hot. You’re sweet. Do you think I look okay? I wanted to make sure I looked nice for you; I’m a huge fan.

Saddam: Your outfit makes me want to punch you in the spine and rape you.

Paris: I love when guys quote rap to me. It’s Hot. So will you tell me secrets?

Saddam: I am not to discuss anything with you regarding my situation.

Paris: Please? Like how many secret holes are there in the ground.

Saddam: I only know of the one I was in.

Paris: What do the numbers mean?

Saddam: What?

Paris: Is Walt alive?

Saddam: Walt? Oh the young African American?

Paris: I don’t think he’s a slave, but he is black.

Saddam: Do you think I am on the TV show Lost?

Paris: That’s why I’m here!

Saddam: You are confusing me with Sayid.

Paris: Wait, then who are you?

Saddam: Saddam Hussein-former president of Iraq

Paris: Why would someone interview you?

Saddam: I am going on trial soon for the killing of 140 Shi’ites amongst other things.

Paris: I tried to kill my shit once, I was totally coked up and thought it was a Cougar. I still have a bruise from the shotgun kickback. Do you like to Party?

Saddam: Not really, my sons did though.

Paris: Oh Maybe I’ve dated them, what are their names?

Saddam: If you are still alive, you have not dated them.

Paris: Hot. Okay I’m bored now. See ya later.

Saddam: Wait.

Paris: Yeah?

Saddam: Do you think Walt is dead or alive? Also - whats up with Locke?

Paris: Yes. Good luck with your shit problem.


Photo - Courtesy David LaChapelle

Momma SPO has Vasovagal Syndrome and she wants Oprah to dedicate a show to it. Basically the syndrome causes a person to blackout without notice. If you are diagnosed, there are meds to prevent the blackouts - but if you dont know you have it, you could be driving your car, pass out and die from a fiery car wreck. Or you could be eating a sandwhich on your couch, pass out and wake up well rested and full.

She called to tell me that she will be hand writing a letter to Oprah, mailing it to me via the United States Post Office, with instructions for me to then type up and email to Oprah through her website.

I am thinking of changing the letter to say:
"Please buy my mother a computer."

Watching Ashlee Simpson Perform on SNL made me feel:

Like I was Raped in the Face.

TOTES ADORBS

Volume up - my voice is 'soft' for reasons I call - understandable.

I like kids. But not if you are rude to Satch.


EXT. QUIET STREET IN QUEENS, NY.
SPO and Satch are walking. A family of five is coming around the corner.
Oldest boy in the family is holding two sticks, one larger than the other.

OLDEST BOY
Ohh Hi doggy.

Oldest boy throws the smaller stick AT Satch.

SPO
Did you just throw that stick AT my dog?

The boy looks blankly at SPO.

SPO
How would you like it if I threw something at you?

Oldest Boy is smirking, too dumb to respond.
His mother catches up and walks around the corner.

SPO
You’re a little fuck, and your actions will be punished.

Satch and SPO walk away.