SPOtastic

Satch came home several days ago wearing the colors of a Local Dog Gang.




Tight fitting grey sweatshirt with the sleaves cut to make room for his doggy guns.
I had warned Satch of the local gangs.

"Don't get involved buddy." I requested.
"You shut the fuck up bitch." he replied.

He goes out at night, telling AVM and I that he is just going to the bathroom before bed.
I believe him everytime.
Hours pass and Satch doesn't return. Usually around 5am he wobbles in, smelling of shit on his breath, and squirrel parts in between his toes.
A tear falls down my cheek. I wipe off his paws, and tuck him into his bed.
He'll always be an angel to me.
Everytime I asked him what he was doing he always answered - "Just trust me Bitch!"
And I always replied with a belly scratch and a kiss. My angel.
This morning I learned why he asked for my trust.
He came home with a kill.




Guess who got a treat before he was tucked in.
Yep - My Angel.

Let's do this!

I greet my Aunts, Uncles and Cousins with cheek kisses, hugs and fist bumps.

"How's New York? How's Work?" They ask.

"New York is cool. I shall remind you I am on unemployment, so work rules."

"Any leads on jobs?" they question while sipping their cocktail.

"Oh you didn't hear me, I am on unemployment."

"But that doesn't last forever does it?"

"In my mind it does."

"What are you doing to keep your time occupied?"

I open my 10 year old bookbag and pull out a 16 x 20 frame holding this inside.





"uhm.."

"Thats me after participating in the wedding of CRACKED OUT - you know - MC Record Deal and Rapzilla? I walked around handing out bags of coke, pot brownies, X and jello shots. These are the things that go on at the Theatre I perform at."

Silence.

"Yes thats a giant colorful penis just behind me. That guy is a friend, and fellow performer."


"Did you hear your cousin bought a house? Hey Cousin, come tell us about your house!" a relative says loudly.


AND SCENE!!!

HAVE A GREAT THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!!

photo courtesy of kate spencer

I received an email from the CIA today.

************************************

Dear Sir/Madam,

we have logged your IP-address on more than 30 illegal Websites.

Important:
Please answer our questions!
The list of questions are attached.


Yours faithfully,
Steven Allison



++++ Central Intelligence Agency -CIA-
++++ Office of Public Affairs
++++ Washington, D.C. 20505

++++ phone: (703) 482-0623
++++ 7:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., US Eastern time


************************************************

I did not open the attachment, more proof I am not retarded.
But If I did, this is my guess as to what the questions would be.










Thats right suckers! No questions attached at all! Just a photo of
Ashlee Simpson giving a blow job to giant POOP!!


(with corn)

"I knew Genie Land existed!"
Exclaimed the President of the United States.

I love watching the Food Network this time of year. The past few days I have seen a turkey made in about 25 different ways.
Inject your meat. Fry your meat. Stuff your meat. Do NOT baste your meat.

Today I watched as Paula Deen and family prepare a Southern Thanksgiving Dinner. I do not agree with this. Thanksgiving should not have an adjective before it. It shouldn't be Southern, or Texas style. It's just Thanksgiving people. You can't change it. Pilgrims, Indians & Betrayal. Let's keep it real.
This is what the Deens eat at their palatial southern estate:

Oyster Dressing (stuffing) - NO - oysters are not allowed.

Turducken - Trendy 2 years ago. Stop people. It's Turkey's day. Stop giving other birds a shout out.

Deep Fried Turkey - eh. I guess since its not a fucking flamingo i'll deal

Bacon Wrapped Bread Sticks - your family is going to die

Mini Cheeseburger Puffs - I didn't realize Fudruckers was around in 1621

Mama's fried Cream Corn - I'm guessing Mama is dead from this.

Sweet Potato Balls - literally what it says. Just keep them in the corning wear.

Apple Butter Pumpkin Pie - fine - add a special ingredient - thanks for something almost normal.

Hot Cranberry Cider - This is just one of those drinks people make up.


One of the reasons I watch cooking/baking shows is I like watching the process. Turducken is interesting to watch. Deep Fried Turkey Simple yes, but fun to watch a bird fry. Bacon wrapped Bread sticks - the retard in me likes watching. Etc etc.

Here is why Paula Deen is a turkey jerk. The entire show she is doing cooking pretty much from scratch, even traveling to her favorite southern stores to get the special corn, or the onions for the cheeseburger puffs. Then came the pie, she takes a trip to get a special jar of apple butter from a Nut store near her house. Great - shout out to a mom and pop. She mixes her sweet potato and the apple butter and than pours it into a FROZEN STORE BOUGHT CRUST.
You fucking CUNT!! Make the God Damn Crust. I don't care if you don't show the process. You can just tell us "this pie just requires a generic pie crust, flour, butter and egg. But NO. The G-Damn whore ENCOURAGES store bought crust. "Just go to the freezer section, they are just as good as home made." You are a worthless soggy hole Paula Dean. You can not go an entire show of scratch preperation and then take a store bought shit on my tv watching experience.
Oh wait I get it, the Pie is the Betrayal portion of your Meal.
BOO to YOU! BOO TO YOU PAULA DEEN!!



(please send cheeseburger puffs)

Chris Gethard Wrote the book pictured above.
Buy it!

I admit I watch Laguna Beach.
Season 3 was announced, and there was a preview.
It will star the Retarded Sister of LC - who starred in season one and two.
Seriously - she looks like a retarded version of her older sister.


LC
Star of Laguna Beach - seasons 1 & 2 -



LC with a touch of the 'downs'
Star of Laguna Beach- Season 3


Season Three looks pretty Bad Ass, heighten the Mean Girls Game ya'll.
I DID!

This morning my niece Karoline was born.



Ha! Thats not really her! I totally PUNKED you! Thats a mother-fucking baby Sloth. Suckers!
Fingers crossed Karoline is a tree dweller though.

Today I while driving AVM's company car, I found myself being gently hit as I made a turn. AVM works for an Auto Insurance company. So yes, you cute adorable 40,000 people who passed by the car today, saw the company name on the back of the car, and the damage to the driver side, this is IRONIC. I get it. But thanks for shouting it at me, totally hilarious of you. I can't wait to shout the following sentences at you people of New York who shouted at me.
(Please note, I will be inserting words to these 'SHOUTS' to gain more page views)

"I will shit on your baby when your not looking, GIRL WHO LIKES IT DOGGY STYLE"

"Is that your purse? Ha! This is my purse full of FREE IPODS AND LINDSEY LOHAN NAKED ON A JUICE BOX"

"Hey old man NAKED ON A MOTORCYCLE, you will die tomorrow from AVIAN BIRD FLU AND SEX HOLES. "

"Nice Mustache...Lady! WHO LOVES MUSTACHE RIDES FROM FAT UGLY DUDES"

"You're in a wheelchair! I am driving a car! A CAR FULL OF PUSSY AND BEER"

"Nice DICK HOMELESS MAN WHO JUST CALLED MY CAR A JUICEBOX, but i think you meant to call it HOW TO JERK OFF TO THE MATRIX"

"Hey FOURTEEN YEAR OLD BOYS who just shouted thats ironic at me, do you want to learn HOW TO SLICE A DICK IN HALF SO I CAN FUCK A GIRL AND MY OWN ASSHOLE."

"LAME BLOG ENTRY."

Mr. Brass is the kitten i found 8 days ago.
This morning his head exploded.



No it didn't.
At first I thought Satch was going to eat Mr. Brass.
He wouldn't stop licking his chops. But eventually he started to tolerate him.
Mr. Brass goes to his new home in an about 2 hours. I will miss him.
He walked up to me, and dove right into my heart.
He was only 1.12 pounds. Now he is double that.
He taught all of us a lesson in love and kindness.



We'll miss you Mr. Brass!
Don't forget to write!

Kevin Federlin AKA Mrs. Britney Spears has a rap album coming out.
Some of it has leaked. I haven't heard any of it, saw about 2 lines of some of it.
Below is a wild and accurate guess what I think album lyrics are and how K-Fed pitched the songs to Executives.

KFED
This soung is about me putting a baby inside of Brit.
Its called "DUMB + DUMB = SMART"

A million times a million equals more than a million
You and me baby, our love is gajillion
The Critics say I’m dumb, lame white trash
Wait till they see what comes out of Brits Ass
A smart kid yo, that’s what it’ll be,
Not a boy or a girl, Smart is the gender,
(BEAT)
Critics suck pee

(Chorus)
Smart kid Smart kid, were gonna have a Smart kid
Smart kid Smart kid, sell it for the right bid
Smart kid Smart kid, were gonna have a smart kid
Smart kid Smart kid, someone buy me a new car

KFED
Hopefully before it's release i can find a better word to rhyme with gajillion.
This next song is about the number of kids I have.
It's called "Three Kids".

Love them tenda, Love them true,
They look like me, One looks like you
Two are dark, one is light
Like a KFC value meal every night

(chorus)
I got three kids, that I know of
I got three kids, no money to support’em
I got three kids, One Brits, two Shar’s
I got three kids, Someone give me a new car and a wallet full of cash.

KFED
This one is tight. No changes needed.
This last song is about my appreciation for life.
It's called "Shit Shit"

I wear socks with sandals, give me respect
I’m fashion from the future, the future is wreck
My wife beater is ironic, My wife beats me
With million dollar watches, and lots of hummer keys

(Chorus)
Give me a free car and a wallet full of cash.
I were size 36 waist, and size 9 shoe.
Leather is okay But I prefer suede.
Automatic transmissions are easier to drive than stick shift, especially when I’m baked.

Give me a free car and a wallet full of cash
Or you can wire me some money to the following account
Dime Savings Bank 67890-0000-4567 or mail it to my secret po box #456, Las Vegas, NV
Or you can hand it over to me if you see me at the gas station, I always hang out at gas stations
G to the A to the S Stations!


KFED
I wrote that one all by myself. So where is my money Bitches?

(4 roaches crawl out of his corn rows holding sawed off shot guns, they point them at the executives)