SPOtastic

At the end of a year, we often reflect and ask ourselves:

Were you a Go getter? Or did you just lay around and breath?

I'd say I was somewhere between a Bono and a Terry Schiavo.

And so I end 2005.

My mother has began her downward decent. The Xmas check my grandfather sent her disappeared. It is no longer in the card where she kept it for safe keeping till she could deposit it. (Grandfather, or Grandpa as he now signs his cards, likes to postdate his checks, he has trouble letting go of money.) Normally my mom will say a prayer to St. Anthony, asking him to please come down, something is lost and can't be found. But no more. She thinks Chuckles is back.

Chuckles is a Ghost.


One summer during my college years, I planted this seed in my mother's brain. Things would not be where she remembered putting them. One time I couldn't find the scissors, so I jokingly said the house is haunted by a pranking ghost. She believed it. I tried to explain sarcasm. She didn't listen. I gave up and just named the ghost. Chuckles. Cute right?

Apparently 'things' are starting to happen again. For about 10 years, the furnace has been jerry rigged. My mom paid a guy named Bark about once a winter to tweak the wires so it would work. This was the year Bark couldn't get the furnace working. So she had to get a new one. My mom is blaming it on Chuckles. The furnace was 42 years old. Original to the house, and she thinks its a ghost.
I told her the furnace gave Bark DNR orders last spring (do not resuscitate). I tried to explain the sarcasm again. Then I mentioned a guy named BARK shouldn't be coming to her house anyway.

She got frustrated with me, trying to remind me of all the things Chuckles did to me.

Mom: Don't you remember?
SPO: Yes he took my virginity. Four times. I was asleep.
Mom: Stop it SPOEY, you were cooking on the stove once only using one burner, you turned to get something out of the fridge, and when you went back all FOUR burners were on.
SPO: That never happened to me.
Mom: Yes it did!
SPO: That was on a "Tales from the Darkside" episode.
Mom: No it wasn't.
SPO: It might not be Chuckles
Mom: What is it then?
SPO: The ghost rape baby I had
Mom: Shannon that's not funny.
SPO: I registered at Boo Boo Baby. I wanted it to feel loved.
Mom: You're acting crazy.
SPO : YOU'RE ACTING CRAZY.
Mom: Anyway. Can you still give me money towards Oprah's 20th anniversary DVD's for Xmas?
SPO: Yeah, I'll post date a check for you.

I miss being a kid. Presents back then were more exciting and full of surprises. I gave my nephews a bucket of dinosaurs and a big box of sea creatures, they went nuts, so nuts they could have been admitted to an mental ward, they didn' want to open anything else, they didn't want to eat cookies, or watch Polar Express, they just wanted to play in their new imaginary worlds. I got a lot of great stuff this year myself, I just didn't have that urge to have my Arcade Fire CD engage my George Saunders book into a battle, where the last one standing would take control of the Volcano Rock, and be King to the Brontosaurus and Sea Turtle, who would then fight for my honor as we took on Buzz Light Year to infinity and beyond.


Anyway, the day after xmas is always clean-up day - I threw this cookie out of my fridge a few hours ago.


This was going to be a prop in a 70's themed xmas show. I was going to be Billy Jean King, showing the TV Audience fun and exciting cookie shapes for the Holiday season. I was going to make this look like a candy cane with xmas tree balls. And then Billy Jean King would not want to eat it, cause it looks like a dick, and she don't like dick. Man, that would have been a hilarious bit. I had throw up coming out of my face that day, so I couldn't do the bit. But I hope BJK googles herself and finds this, it will make her career worth it.

Tonight I was reminded that my dad never takes credit for his farts. It's always the dogs. He has three of them.
5 times those dogs farted tonight. Why they smelled khaki filtered beats me.

I got an early xmas present. Food Poisoning. Last night I drove into the city around 7pm so I could get some holiday shopping done before a late night rehearsal. Most of the stores had closed already - or were closing at 8pm because of the transit strike. With my purchases as complete as the city would allow, I rang up my friend MN, and she was nearby at the gym, so we got some dinner. We ate at a brewery in Union Square. I got a Turkey Burger, that was good, but also really really really really wet. Like the turkey had its last hoorah at a water park before he landed on my plate.
I got home late from my rehearsal and had to make some props for my bit, where I was to play Billy Jean King, Lesbian Tennis star. I needed to bake some larger xmas cookies, so that my site gags would work, and the audience would see that a headless snowman does look like a pair of tits and that Billy Jean King would love to go to town on them. Funny bit right? Pretty hilarious. In one word - Comedy Gold. So with cookie dough in front of my face - i ate some of that too.

Around 6am I started feeling sick -
7am rolled around, AVM gave me a kiss goodbye, and I responded by saying - I feel like throwing up.
I then had a dream where I was throwing up at a movie theatre, ruining a movie staring mariah carey for everyone. Thats right Mariah Carey didn't ruin the movie - my throw up was.
9am - I go into the bathroom, sit on the toilet - then throw up in the trashcan in front of me. I didn't have a 'double ender' - i just was sitting because i got hot and exhausted really fast.
I gargled, drank some water, took Satch for a much needed walk. Came back and fell asleep.
11am -the water was forced out of my body and into the toilet.

This fucking sucks. I cried for AVM to come home as early as he can. I am a baby. A puking baby.

oh stomach cramps..............

xxxtom.com

just go to this, and watch the trailer. Yeah its porn. Yeah you'll see a penis and a hoo hoo. But its comedy gold. Tom Sizemore has released his own sex tapes because he needs money. I need money too - so I can download the entire thing! Never have I publicly stated I want to see a porno so bad!! But Tom Sizemore talking shit to the Camera's while obviously coked up? Man - somebody hook a sista up!

Thats right I am one of those people!



I bought an XMAS tree.

21 year old Shayna Richardson was making a solo skydiving jump in Arkansas when her main parachute failed. After cutting it loose, she deployed her reserve chute which never opened all the way, so she twirled rapidly towards the earth, finally hitting the ground at 50 miles an hour. She broke some bones, lost 6 teeth and had bone chips removed from inside her face. She was about a month pregnant at the time also - but the baby lived.


Article

This woman plans on jumping again after her baby is born in June 2006.
My guess -a story about a 2 month old baby surviving its first solo jump will hit the media around August.
And that baby will be pregnant with a tinier baby.

Saddam Hussein and half brother Barazan Ibrahim call first and second dibs on Jessica Simpson in court today.

... I just want to put on a super absorbent self cleaning diaper and Sleep.

PHONE RING NOISE: PHONE RING NOISE: PHONE RING NOISE

SPO
Hello?

SILENCE

SPO
Heeeellloooo???

PERSON WHO HATES THEIR JOB
Hello may I please speak to SPO

SPO
Who is calling?

PWHTJ
This is Shanisha with Verizon Wireless

SPO
This is her.

PWHTJ
Hi Miss SPO I am calling because your current verizon plan that costs 29.99 a month expired in May 2005, I'd like to offer you that SAME EXACT PLAN for 34.99 a Month - you just have to confirm your current city you reside in.

SPO
So If I confirm where I live you guys will start to charge me 5 dollars more a month for my current plan?

PWHTJ
Yes Mam.

SPO
I think I'll make the non-retarded choice and not confirm my address. Id like to continue with my current price.

PWHTJ
I can offer you a free phone.

SPO
So I'll get a free phone, but still pay 5 more dollars a month?

PWHTJ
Yes Mam.

SPO
No thank you, my current phone works just fine.

PWHTJ
Okay have a nice day.

GUN SHOT NOISE: HEADSET FALLING TO THE GROUND NOISE: SCREAMING NOISE:

VOICE OF MANAGER
Someone get me the Job Applications file.

SPO PUTTING PHONE DOWN NOISE: SPO UNPAUSING DVR NOISE: SPO FALLING ASLEEP ON COUCH NOISE: SPO UNEMPLOYED NOISE.